My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
