and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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