dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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