My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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