Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
