i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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