You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
