Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This is the high leading the old right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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