Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
