Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
