Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
