Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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