I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
