come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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