if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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