see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
