I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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