Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
