Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
