do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
