I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
