i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
