highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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