I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
