People in love make me want to vomit
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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