What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
