I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
