Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
