I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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