I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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