So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
