your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
