You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
