soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
