I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
