Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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