Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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