How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
