have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
