I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
