i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
