Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
