home. puking in laundry basket.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
