Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We're too hungover to prance.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
