Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
