goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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