i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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