Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
