Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
