Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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