I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
