Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
