Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
