I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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