I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
